Parenting

I must say, the flaws of the human never seem to reach fruition within ones self until one is a parent. I won't deny that I have had many problems and have done my share of sins and stupid stuff (would've said "things" but I have no intention of rhyming on here). :) But, how it affects someone is different. Here I have two beautiful sons and I fear every error I make. I may not make the same choices in a lot of areas that my parents did (for my own reasons); I make plenty of choices of my own that make me upset.

It's hard to describe, but it seems that I always viewed my parents as super-human. I know that they made mistakes, but they were always more than human, for some odd reason. It's like they were on a pedestal. This is something that I still struggle with today, but I'm much better. It's not like they did everything right and we never had problems, it was just that they...I don't know how to explain it.

Anyway, as a parent myself, I don't view myself like that, at all. I see all the mistakes I'm making and it tears me apart sometimes. Recently, while trying to grab one kid who wouldn't listen to me, I bumped the youngest one's head (of whom I was holding). It startled him and he started to cry. That was a tough night. I dragged the one who was in trouble out of the room and rocked the other one back to sleep. Then, when my wife was back in the living room, I had to leave. I was so upset with myself for the whole situation. I had never been careless enough to bump the head of either of the children on anything. And the other one got in trouble and he may or may not have realized that he was doing wrong...though he probably did.

It's so much easier to beat yourself up for mistakes when you are a parent and these mistakes are made to/around your children. I know mine are probably too young to remember this when they get older, but that doesn't lift the burden. Sometimes, I wish that there was a way to do everything right, but I know there isn't. I now understand what my mom and dad say when they talk about their mistakes. But what every parent should know is that most children don't remember those...I remember the good times with my family and some of the difficult, but not in the way they do. I know that when we have struggles and arguments, it'll be harder on me than the boys. It's hard now...

My only hope from all this is that when I look back when the boys are all grown up and moved out, I will be able to see all the positives and less negatives... :)